Codependency
Romantic partners
The experts are split on this. Both sides are here.
Loving to caretake a partner is not codependence but a form of nurturing, and preferences for caretaking vary by individual.
Who is behind it
Voices including an attachment coach and former licensed marriage and family therapist, a licensed mental health counselor and a certified relationship coach.
How strong the research is
Mostly expert experience so far, with published research still catching up.
In their words
“Loving to caretake a partner is not codependence but a form of nurturing, and preferences for caretaking vary by individual.”
an attachment coach and former licensed marriage and family therapist
We need to understand how to build real partnerships where people don't feel the need to have insurance against each other
It is essential to keep one foot in reality and understand that relationships go through many phases rather than relying on fantasy to mask pain.
Unhealthy relationship patterns persist because the body remembers what love once felt like, even if it was unsafe, not because a person is broken.
If you are hoping your partner will change to bring peace, you may be in a trauma bond characterized by fantasy and unhealthy boundary loss rather than a healthy connection.
Givers should find partners who are also givers to foster healthier romantic relationships and break the pattern of loving takers.
Breaking the pattern of over-giving involves becoming comfortable with receiving and not trying to earn love by giving more when the partner is not reciprocating.
Givers thrive best with other givers and will burn out with takers, so finding a partner who also gives is essential for happiness.
Givers need to break the pattern of overgiving and learn to receive to stop trying to earn love through giving alone, which transforms their love life and overall life.
Mark Groves states that the split between who we say we are and who we are being causes addiction and emotional, mental, and physical health issues because we are not honoring ourselves or choosing differently.
People who believe they do not deserve love may feel that mistreatment is the only honest reflection of their worth, leading them to accept toxic relationships as normal.
Viewing the person as a metaphor for novelty, excitement, and adventure can help redirect focus to one's own life and relationship with oneself.
Recognizing and addressing codependent dynamics between parent and child is crucial to improving relationship health and promoting independence.
Unmet needs for connection, safety, and meaning often drive people back to unhealthy relationships, so addressing these needs in healthier ways is essential for healing
a certified relationship coachsponsoredThe empowering shift is to see relationships as adding to your life rather than determining your worth, maintaining other sources of meaning and purpose.
a certified relationship coachsponsored
With care
Some of the minds attach conditions. These are worth reading before you begin.
Loving to caretake a partner is not codependence but a form of nurturing, and preferences for caretaking vary by individual.
The expert explains that obsessing over someone new is not truly about the person but about craving a magnified positive emotion and feeling alive, often linked to dissatisfaction or boredom in life.
Obsessing about someone often reflects a lack of a fulfilling life and an unmet internal need rather than genuine desire for that person.
Obsessing about someone often reflects an internal feeling of something missing in oneself rather than the other person's actual investment or presence.
If you find yourself waiting for their call or going back to someone who is not investing equally, it may indicate an internal need rather than their actual value to you.
An overwhelming need for male attention can sabotage relationships if not acknowledged and addressed, as it may lead to seeking validation outside the partnership.
Returning to someone who is not right for you is often driven by unconscious emotional patterns and unmet needs rather than weakness or trauma alone, and understanding these patterns is key to breaking the cycle
a certified relationship coachsponsored
Where they disagree
Both sides
For
We need to understand how to build real partnerships where people don't feel the need to have insurance against each other
an attachment coach and former licensed marriage and family therapistAgainst
Relying on a job as a life insurance against partner betrayal is a failing mentality that leads to the destruction of many relationships
an attachment coach and former licensed marriage and family therapistCredible minds land on different sides here. Read both, notice how it suits you, and talk it through with your clinician.
More on the other side
Performing and pleasing others as a way to earn love leads to erasing oneself and results in loneliness despite appearing competent and kind. an attachment coach and former licensed marriage and family therapist
Sex cannot provide reassurance, emotional safety, validation, or connection if those are the actual needs, and relying on sex for these needs leads to partners feeling used and relationship breakdown. an attachment coach and former licensed marriage and family therapist
A fantasy bond is a form of protection from pain and creates an alluring but unhealthy dynamic that masks true vulnerability and intimacy. a licensed mental health counselor
Over-empathizing with a partner's wounds in trauma bonds leads to boundary loss and unhealthy merging rather than maintaining healthy boundaries. a licensed mental health counselor
Talk it through
Entrain shows what the experts teach, so you can make better decisions with your own clinician. It does not diagnose or prescribe. If something is worrying you, start there.
How this reading was made
Every line here comes from a doctor, scientist or coach speaking publicly, and links to the moment they said it. Entrain listens for where independent experts arrive at the same place on their own, and shows where they part ways. Mostly expert experience so far, with published research still catching up.
Some statements come from sponsored segments or people speaking about their own products. They are marked where they appear and count for less. Last refreshed 4 September 2026.
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