Divorce and parental conflict impact on children
Children of divorced parents
A promising idea, with a smaller group behind it so far.
Children do better when their parents are married in loving healthy marriages, but divorce does not have to destroy children if handled properly.
Who is behind it
Voices including a psychoanalyst and author of Being There, a clinical psychologist and Professor Emeritus of psychology and a certified relationship coach.
How strong the research is
Mostly expert experience so far, with published research still catching up.
In their words
“Children do better when their parents are married in loving healthy marriages, but divorce does not have to destroy children if handled properly.”
a psychoanalyst and author of Being There
Parents should prioritize their child's emotional needs and attachment security over their own sense of fairness or personal desires during divorce.
Unless there is sexual or physical abuse, staying together until the youngest child is three provides emotional security that helps the child handle having two homes later.
Attachment security is the foundation for mental health and should not be negotiable or disrupted in custody disputes involving young children.
Engage your child in unpleasant but necessary conversations to prevent them from feeling miserable and drifting away, showing that you are on their side despite potential conflict.
The greatest thing you can do to protect your spouse is to protect their space and nervous system, allowing them to exhale and feel safe.
He needs to have the courage to sit down across the table from a grown man with a wife and kids and lay it out, which is integrity.
Dr. Phil emphasizes that court orders regarding custody and visitation must be enforced to protect children's safety and parental rights, as seen in the case where police forcibly returned children to the custodial parent.
In custody disputes, the children's safety and well-being must be the primary concern above parental conflicts and accusations.
Discipline should be consistent, proportionate, and supported by both parents, with the biological parent being the primary disciplinarian for their own children to avoid adversarial relationships.
Parents should communicate openly with each child, apologize for past mistakes, and establish clear, agreed-upon rules and consequences to create a sense of belonging and fairness.
Step-parents can be powerful role models for stepchildren by engaging with them regularly and teaching them about dignity and respect in relationships.
Counseling is a good place to start working out how to put some impulse control and manage family conflict.
Your job is to manage this relationship, mother and protect your children and nurture your marriage, even if others do not cooperate.
Stop writing hostile emails or messages because once they are out there, they are permanent and escalate conflict.
Dr. Phil emphasizes that ongoing conflict and harassment between adults in a child's life causes emotional pain and turmoil for the child, making the child's well-being the paramount concern.
Dr. Phil states that when couples are emotionally divorced, living as roommates without meeting each other's needs or maintaining friendship, the relationship is effectively over and requires serious intervention or ending.
Dr. Phil emphasizes that fighting and yelling in front of children not only hurts their feelings but changes who they are for the rest of their life, affecting their self-esteem and future relationships.
Acknowledging emotional feelings such as resentment is necessary for healing, even if the person denies it intellectually.
Dr. Phil advises that facilitating a child's relationship with their father, even if it means tolerating the presence of a disliked stepmother, is a small price to pay for the child's well-being and moral high ground.
With care
Some of the minds attach conditions. These are worth reading before you begin.
Children do better when their parents are married in loving healthy marriages, but divorce does not have to destroy children if handled properly.
A good divorce is better than a terrible marriage because chronic conflict between parents is worse for children's psyches than a good divorce.
It is not how much couples fight but how well they reconcile that matters for the health of the marriage.
Children benefit from seeing a heated discussion followed by a positive resolution and peace, demonstrating that difficult problems can be solved even with emotional heat.
The relationship between a parent and adult child can be strained due to the parent's dating choices, especially when involving the child's friends, but the parent may not understand the source of the child's anger.
Effective communication requires parents to listen and understand their teens' feelings, but teens also need to learn from their mistakes and respect parental guidance to improve relationships.
Unresolved grief and suspicion can fracture families, especially when there is ambiguity around a loved one's death and accusations among family members, as seen in the Lemoin family case.
Dr. Phil notes that an unhealthy, overly dependent relationship between a parent and adult child can harm the child's marriage and that the child must choose between spouse and parent.
Dr. Phil highlights the complex dynamics where one parent may accuse the other of brainwashing children, but also notes the importance of listening carefully to what is said and not said in custody disputes to understand the truth.
Dr. Phil stresses the need to take concerns about child safety seriously, including allegations of abuse or exposure to inappropriate material, while also clarifying the difference between expressing concerns and making formal allegations.
Dr. Phil presents the conflicting perspectives of both parents in a high-conflict divorce, illustrating how children can be caught in the middle and the difficulty in discerning the full truth in such cases.
Blended families often struggle to fully blend like a biological family because bonds are not automatically formed by marriage or paperwork but must be built over time.
It is unrealistic to expect a step-parent to have the same immediate bond with stepchildren as with their biological child, and this lack of bond should not be a source of guilt or heartbreak.
Dr. Phil illustrates that in cases of intense interpersonal conflict involving harassment and legal actions, prioritizing the best interest of children and setting firm boundaries is essential to reduce harm and manage chaos.
Money disputes can deeply damage family relationships, but the legal reality is that inheritance is the property of the parent until death and they have the right to spend it as they wish.
Where they disagree
Both sides
For
Parents should prioritize their child's emotional needs and attachment security over their own sense of fairness or personal desires during divorce.
a psychoanalyst and author of Being ThereAgainst
Constant parental conflict causes stress that changes the architecture of the child's brain during the first three years, impairing their ability to handle adversity and stress later in life.
a psychoanalyst and author of Being ThereMost of the minds come down in favour, and the dissent is worth knowing.
More on the other side
The 2-2-3 custody arrangement is very damaging to children because it causes instability and a lack of constancy, making children feel like they are being thrown around and never truly at home. a psychoanalyst and author of Being There
It is very distressing to see people whose families are fragmented because it deeply affects one's soul. a clinical psychologist and Professor Emeritus of psychology
Bringing up divorce or breaking up every time there's an argument destroys trust between partners instantly unless you truly mean it and want to start that conversation. a certified relationship coach
Children caught in the middle of parental conflict and control struggles suffer emotional damage and instability. a media host and psychologist with a lapsed clinical license
Talk it through
Entrain shows what the experts teach, so you can make better decisions with your own clinician. It does not diagnose or prescribe. If something is worrying you, start there.
How this reading was made
Every line here comes from a doctor, scientist or coach speaking publicly, and links to the moment they said it. Entrain listens for where independent experts arrive at the same place on their own, and shows where they part ways. Mostly expert experience so far, with published research still catching up.
None of the statements here come with a declared commercial interest. Last refreshed 19 August 2026.
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